Reflections on MY Camino

I'm sure I will spend a lot of time reflecting on the past 11 days, for a long time to come. It is now MY Camino, and mine alone - it is unique, different from all the others that exist. That's a lot to think about! Here are some impressions that I feel I can share at this point.

I have mixed feelings about doing this experience alone versus with a group, or even with one good friend. I was sometimes very lonely and wanted to talk to someone about things I saw or experienced. Of course I occasionally dearly wished I had my sweetheart at my side - in the way that we used to walk together. Sometimes I longed for the camaraderie that I have often enjoyed in the past with hiking friends; but I've become a bit estranged from most of them. Being alone, it was nice to have the flexibility of going at my own pace and adjusting my plans to my ever-changing whims. But bottom line: this experience needed to be alone for me at this time, difficult though that was. I don't think that's my preference.

One of the most poignant moments of loneliness came as I stepped into the Santiago Cathedral square at the end of the hike. I wanted to share the joy of completion with the one I love the most. And I couldn't, and I wept in my despair. I just had to hope and trust that she could see and know. I did feel the calm that came from above.

Physically, the Camino pushed me to the edge. I was apprehensive about that. I was pretty unprepared for the demands of this trek. I hiked very little during the final months of caring for Bonnie, and then did some minimal preparation during the few weeks after her passing. I'm far from the hiking shape I was in during recent years, and my body let me know that.

In fact I have never done anything nearly this extensive. The closest was probably hiking the Highline Trail in Utah's Uinta range, and that was 67 miles in 4 days. I think my pack weighed 35ish pounds, but that was 7 years ago when I was young and strong. 🙂 To hike over 170 miles with a 20-pound pack in 11 days (one of which was a “rest day”) was asking a lot. Towards the end, my legs, especially my knees, were clearly being pushed too far. But we made it, and I am proud this old bag of bones held up, mostly. When “the flesh is weak,” sometimes you just keep going on willpower.

It was fascinating to be a part of something so much bigger than myself. On the day I completed, there were 3,145 pilgrims who checked in to get a completion certificate at the pilgrim's office in Santiago! That's a lot of people. I “brushed shoulders” with a small subset of them, but there is no denying that one feels an amazing sense of connectedness to others going through the same experience (even though we all experienced it differently). Just seeing other pilgrims, with or without a backpack but most with their identifying scallop shell, brings an instant bond, a sense of shared awareness of the experience, an eagerness to share stories or offer encouragement. I loved feeling a part of that special “family.”

Did doing this take away my grief? No, of course not. I'm not even sure it helped with my mourning - in a sense, I see now that this might have been partly trying to escape from grief and mourning, distract myself from them. Now, I still need to go home and deal with the life that has a big hole in it. But this time DID help me remember how blessed I am, how fortunate in so many ways. It helped with perspective.

Did it help me sort out my life's priorities and know exactly what to do with the rest of my life? Well no, not completely. But I think I now have a better sense of what my short-term next steps should be. “One step enough for me.” So I'll go home and get to work.

Would I do it again, perhaps following a different route? I think I would, given the right timing and motivation. But there are lots of other things to be done first!

A few other short impressions:

• It's good to get by with less “stuff.” I did pretty well in keeping what I carried to a bare minimum. At home, I am very weighted down with much more than I need. There is a freedom that comes with minimalism.

• Good people are everywhere, and most people are basically good. I don't think I mentioned the several times that local residents honked their horn or waved at me to get my attention, and then pointed out that I had missed a turn in following the trail (easy to do). I also think the drivers were far more courteous in yielding to pedestrians than we are back home.

• You can accomplish a lot when you break it into smaller chunks. Instead of worrying about how far I had to go on a day, I often thought that I would go for another hour and then stop for something to eat. That's helpful, to have short-term targets to aim towards.

• Forget about what everyone else is doing. Everyone hikes their own Camino. I didn't have to match anyone's pace, and often I was one of the slower ones going up hills or longer distances. And that's okay, in my current life situation. I'm not competing with anyone. I'm just here to enjoy and grow.

• I loved the flexibility of not having every single detail planned out. When I started, I had a general outline of where I thought I would be on each day. But I didn't make any reservations. And I found that I was able to get farther than I had originally anticipated on most days. Hiking in October gives the benefit of less pressure for scheduling; you can walk into town in the late afternoon and find a bed available in most areas. During the summer, that's not the case (from what I understand). Similarly, I am thinking that the next phase of my life is going to be a lot like that: kind of taking it a short phase at a time and seeing where it leads me.

• SLOW DOWN. I didn't always do this, and I regret that a few of my days were more a push to get somewhere. There is so much to enjoy when we take time along the way. It's okay to stop and look in an old church. It's okay to sit and listen to the ocean. It's okay to rest a while on a park bench and watch people go by. There are so many little pleasures that we miss when all we're doing is trying to get to our endpoint

• And finally - don't ever underestimate the importance of ice cream!!!

Well, that's a good start for some reflections.

Was this trip worth it? Heck yes!

¡BUEN CAMINO MIS AMIGOS!